A/N: So this is my first story about *-* Jaycacia *-*. I wrote it a longlonglonglong time ago but I just found it again just now. Ummm I should probably check to make sure it's all there an all but I cant' be bothered lol. Just read it okey? Its' the precuwel to Funeral for an Angle.
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Jaycacia Thornbyrd jumped for joy as her console played a cheerful little tune. Most consoles went [BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!] really loud, but since the day when Makes-Things had taught her everything he knew – it had taken him nearly an hour – she could reprogram and repair every bit of equipment in HQ.
In fact, M-T had offered her his job, but she had declined, saying that she much preferred being an assassin. He then pointed out that, with her ability to fix stories without even going into them, they didn't really need assassins any more.
Jaycacia didn't really have an answer to this – it was true, after all – so she had simply given Makes-Things a big kiss and walked out, singing in a voice as sweet as a nightingale.
And now her console was singing, telling her that the SO wanted to see her. Unlike most of the assassins, she had no problems with this. Ever since the Sunflower had told her about his childhood abuse at the hands of an evil farmer, she had understood better why he was so mean to the Agents, and could forgive him for it.
She hummed merrily as she walked to his office. As she passed other Agents, they looked at her in awe. Although she had not been on many missions, her astonishing success rate, coupled with her famous parents, made her an idol to most of the younger agents, and even some of the veterans.
Jaycacia walked cheerfully into the SO's office... and then stopped dead as a shape in black cannoned into her.
"Ooh my little girl's all grown up and wearing black and got her own mission and response centre and eee and ooh!" said the figure, hugging Jaycacia constantly. The girl extracted herself from her mother's arms and stepped past the simpering assassin. She nodded coldly to the other figure.
"Hello, mother," she said. The figure scoweled.
"I wish you had never been born," she said, then turned to the other figure, still burbling happily. "Come on, Jay – we're leaving."
"Oh but Acacia," said Jay happily, "don't you want to spend every moment you can with our daughter, and squeeze her and hug her and –"
There was a sharp sound as Acacia slapped her partner around the face. "No. I do not. I hate you too. I hope you die." And with that, she exited the office, Jay crawling after her like a dog.
Glaring after Acacia, Jaycacia muttered, "You may be my mother, Acacia Byrd, but I will get you for what you've done."
Excuse me?, said the SO. I hate to interrupt you, my dear Jaycacia, but we have things to discuss... Its voice tailed off as it shrugged its leaves.
Jaycacia glared at the flower for a moment, then ran around the desk and hugged it, smiling. "I could never hate you for long. What is it we need to talk about?"
The Sunflower sighed with relief. Thank you. Now, you have a mission coming up. It's a very important mission, so important that I can entrust it only to you. I know you still don't have a partner, but we need you to do this. Will you? For me?
"Of course I will!" cried Jaycacia, kissing the SO on the petals. Then she jumped over the desk and ran out of the door, straight down to her Response Centre.
Once there, she grabbed her bag, opened the portal (which glowed pink and made ‘twing' noises, another of her modifications) and stepped into Middle-Earth.
The first thing she saw on arrival was, naturally enough, a Mary-Sue. Using her secret powers, given to her at birth by a wandering daffodil, she deleted the ‘Sue from the story. Any other Assassin, having killed the ‘Sue – by normal means, as only Jaycacia had the power to alter the story at will – would have expected the Canon to snap back, but Jaycacia was not fooled. There were still thirteen more ‘Sues, along with a host of Cute Animal Friends, to destroy.
So destroy them she did. Standing there in the clearing, Jaycacia stretched out and, with a fraction of her powers, deleted the uncanons one by one. Once she was satisfied that the story was fixed, she opened a portal back to HQ using the power of her mind – no need for silly Remote Activators – and stepped back into her room.
She almost stepped right back again, for there, on the other side, stood her parents. Seeing Jaycacia, Acacia pushed Jay to the floor, kicked her hard in the ribs, and yelled, "Stay there!" Jay nodded meekly, and Acacia turned back to her daughter.
"So," she said with a sneer, "you've come back. Good. I wouldn't want you to die at their hands."
"What do you mean?" asked Jaycacia, worried, but not letting it show.
"I mean that I want to be the one to kill you. But it won't be pleasant, oh no. It will take a long time." Acacia leaned forward, forcing her daughter back against the wall, and pulled out a knife.
"First, see, I'm going to take this knife, and I'm going to cut away your clothes. Then, I'm going to put it –"
"No no no no no!" came a voice from the door. Acacia whirled around – to confront herself and her partner, despite the fact that the latter was still sniveling on the floor.
The new Acacia walked over and grabbed the knife before the original one could even blink. Holding it up, she said, "See? No real assassin would let her knife be taken so easily."
"Oh," sneered the Acacia who had been threatening Jaycacia, "so you don't think I'm an assassin? Let me tell you – I am Acacia Byrd, and I –"
"Wrong!" interrupted the newly arrived Acacia cheerfully. "You are an evil, perverted clone of me, and you are charged with such. Goodbye." With that, she threw the confiscated knife straight through the heart of the clone.
Jaycacia's heart leapt as she saw her mother, who had abused her so, drop lifeless to the floor. She was less joyful, however, when the other woman, who looked so much like her mother, stepped forward and knocked her to the floor.
"Jaycacia Thornbyrd," said the assassin, "you are charged with attempting to sleep with every man in HQ, with being better with technology than Makes-Things, creating stupid, one-dimensional clones of me and my partner – Jay, what are you doing?"
Jay looked up from where she crouched by the sobbing clone of herself. "Her uniform's better than mine. I'm trying to persuade her to take it off so I can have it."
Acacia sighed in exasperation. "Just charge her, will you?"
As her partner pulled out a notebook and began to read from the list there, Acacia turned back to the ‘Sue. "Now, where was I? Oh yes. You are also charged with altering the personalities of everyone you came into contact with, being able to delete ‘Sues without killing them, and with being a blatant Mary-Sue. Come with me."
Acacia dragged Jaycacia over to the door, and then turned back. "Jay, aren't you done yet?"
Jay stood, placed a foot on the simpering clone's neck, and stepped down hard. There was a sickening crack, and the sobbing sounds from floor level stopped. Jay looked over at her partner. "Done."
"Good. Get the Remote Activator out. There's some people who'd like to meet Miss Jaycacia here."
Jay grinned as she opened a portal back to the real HQ, and followed her partner though. This was going to be fun...
The assassins stepped out into a room packed with black-clad figures. From where she stood, Jay could pick out several faces she recognized, including Tess from Sufficiently Advanced Technology, who looked particularly murderous. Jay grinned again. It looked like everyone in the PPC had turned out for this special occasion.
Acacia threw Jaycacia onto the floor and looked out at the crowd. "Agents of the PPC," she called out, "this thing you see before you claimed to be the daughter of myself and my partner. She claimed to be the best assassin ever. She claimed to be a member of our organization. Her claims are, obviously, false. I'm sure you would all love to show her what we do to people like her. And now, I have business with the SO. Come, Jay."
Jay nodded, and opened a portal. The Sunflower Official was going to pay for sending them into that abomination, even if it had been kind of fun.
As the pair of assassins who resembled her parents disappeared, Jaycacia looked up from her position on the floor. Around her, the ring of black-clad figures began to tighten...